Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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