she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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