pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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