Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize