Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This house was built for laser tag.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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