Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
