You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
