I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize