I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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