I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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