I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
