college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
