Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
