I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
