Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
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