I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize