i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
