Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
