He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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