So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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