I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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