new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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