Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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