this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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