There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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