I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
