chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my being single is dangerous.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
