i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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