If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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