3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
