Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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