I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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