That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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