Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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