You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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