I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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