The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize