How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
