If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
