I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
