Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize