Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
