You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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