Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
