he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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