life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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