your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize