I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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