Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
