On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
