I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
