there's paper in my vomit.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
