pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
