Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
