No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
