I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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