You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
