i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just found a bag of teeth...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
