omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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