Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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