I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
