dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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