I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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